- Whipped Cream: Nothing says love like Non-Dairy Whipped Desert Topping. Of course you could put it to other uses. This is the equivalent of giving a woman a tub of Cool Wip and saying, "Baby, let's get creative with this whipped topping" and assuming that she'll go along. It's more likely to come across as "Here's some whipped cream. Go make an ice cream sunday. I want you to gain a few pounds."
- Love "Cuffs": These look like hair scrunchies. Now, make sure to get the love cuffs and not just the regular cuffs. You can distinguish between the two by the color and material:
Red + Synthetic Fabric + Elastic Band = Love Cuffs
Not Red + Synthetic Fabric + Elastic Band = Just A Scrunchy
(No, I'm not going to make a hand cuffs joke.)
- Libby Fluted Champaign Glass: Look sophisticated with this plastic champagne flute. And why spend $7 for some decent sparkling wine when you can buy a bottle of sparkling cider for just 99¢? Classy.
- Vase: This actually looks somewhat decent. However, if you're buying a vase from the 99¢ Store, can you afford flowers to put in the vase?
- Condoms: Nothing says "I'm interested in a romantic dinner, taking a long walk along the beach, having an intimate conversation with you, and maybe watching your favorite romantic movies" better than giving your girl a box of cheap condoms.
- Ladies Camisole: "Baby, I got you this sexy top and it only cost me 99¢! I hope it fits you. They only had XL"
- Tatiana Perfume and Aziza Cosmetics: These boil down to the same theme as the rest of them--if you're buying it at the 99¢ Store, it's probably rubbish. I like how they list the "brands" of these two items, as if that improves their quality and mitigates the fact that your only paying 99¢ for items costing ten to twenty times more at any other store. "Where did I get this from? The 99¢ Store. What do you mean it's crap? It's perfume by Tatiana. Tatiana. Come on baby. Just try it out and put on your love cuffs while your at it."
- Oysters: Oysters in a sealed bag from "Chicken of the Sea." Just add water and you'll have a great meal to pair with your sparkling cider.
Hat tip to Handel on the News over at KFI.