Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Two Men Stabbed During Screening of Horror Film: A Logical Argument For Not Seeing Bad Movies

Two men were stabbed at a Sunday showing of the horror/thiller "The Signal." This is proof that you should listen to movie critics before going to your local theater. From FoxNews.com:

The men were injured around 7:30 p.m. at the AMC Fullerton Town 20 theater in Fullerton, Calif., while watching the thriller "The Signal," MyFOXLA.com reports.

Police said the individuals were sitting in different parts of the theater when they were attacked by an unknown assailant, the station reports.

"He started stabbing at the theater seat and then he stabbed the victim," Fullerton Police Lt. Tom Basham said. "As he fled, he stabbed another victim sitting near the exit."

Police were called to the theater after someone found a bag of what appeared to be illegal substances, MyFOXLA.com reports. When officers arrived, moviegoers — including the bloody stabbing victims — were running out of the theater.

Authorities believe the assailant was a white male, who bought a ticket to the theater but was later asked to leave.

"He somehow made his way back into the theater," Basham told MyFOXLA.com.
As if to reinforce the irony of a stabbing occurring during a horror movie:
The film was paused Sunday night while police investigated the incidents. When it was restarted...the first scene was a stabbing.
Now, aside from the obvious macabre irony, there is an important lesson to be learned here.

These are the facts: A man who bought a ticket to The Signal was asked to leave. He somehow snuck into the movie. This man then goes crazy; he "[starts] stabbing at the theater seat and then he stab[s] the victim." Then, while running out of the theater, he stabs someone else.

Now, let's analyze the facts.

Would a normal man bring a knife to a movie? No. But would a crazy person or a criminal? Yes.

Additionally, would a law abiding, clean living, upstanding citizen stab anyone during a movie? No. But remember, the police were called because of a bag of drugs. Would a drug crazed fiend stab a theater seat and the person in the seat? Yes. And the last thing this drug crazed fiend tripping on acid needs is to see this:

Now, the movie in question, The Signal, received mixed to disparaging reviews. And a drugged out nut with a knife thought this would be a good movie, so much so that he snuck in after being asked to leave. From this we can deduce the following: if it's supposed to be scary and the critics didn't like it, then there's a good chance that "a heavyset white man with black hair in his late to mid 20s," out of his mind on acid and carrying a blade, probably does.

Therefore, using logic we can argue thus:

Young people play video games.
People who play video games are more likely to carry knives.
Ergo, young people are more likely to carry knives than others.

Young people aren't as intelligent as older people.
Therefore, young people are dumber than older people.
But, dumber people are more likely to use drugs.
Ergo, young people are more likely to use drugs.

And, young people tend to go to more bad movies than older people.
But, young people are more likely to carry knives and to use drugs than others.
Ergo, drug users who carry knives are more likely to go to bad movies than other people.
And, we have an example in the news which backs up our conclusion.

Conclusion: Violent, knife-wielding, drug-crazed youths tend to like badly reviewed movies. If you don't want to be shanked, stabbed, shived, or sliced, read the reviews before you go to the theater.


paulthezag said...

This was a pretty crazy story, but my favorite part by far was your choice of the voodo doll knife block pic. I know somebody who owns one of those! She named it after an ex-boyfriend. Hooray for quirky kitchen gadgets.

Kakashi said...

I would love to get one of those, but I already own a really nice set of knives and I don't know if they would fit...